“I don’t know. Where do you want to eat?”

Sound familiar? And frustrating? We all have a friend or loved one who doesn’t like making decisions. Even simple ones like choosing a restaurant. Or maybe you’re the one who doesn’t. 

Whoever it is, it’s usually not because of simple indecision. There’s often something deeper happening beneath the surface that can have negative consequences on our lives. Let’s take a look at what may be contributing to indecision and how it can negatively affect us.

The Pressure to Make the “Right” Decision

I remember talking to my client, Dave, who is educated, financially resourced, and supported by his parents but paralyzed by fear when it comes to making a career choice. He knew that his initial choice in accounting was unfulfilling, so he made the bold decision to quit. Now there is a new level of pressure to pick the “right” job to avoid wasting more time and energy. He does not want to return to square one. 

Then there are Dave’s parents, who are successful immigrant parents. They want him to take over the family business and settle down with a family friend’s daughter (who they believe would bring honor to the family). Although he knows that this current life stage is not what he wants, he is unable to answer the question, “What do I want for my life?” 

Let’s talk about making the right call. What is right and wrong? Although it is not my role to dictate anyone’s morality, we are essentially defining the best or optimal decision as the one that benefits us. That is probably how most people define what is “right.” The tricky thing is that right and wrong seems to be fluid and contextual. Defining absolutes seem more and more difficult. What is right for you may not be right for the person next to you.

W'e’re No Longer in the “Good Ol’ Days”

There was a time when we trusted institutions and authorities to define what was “right” for society. Life seemed “simpler” before, when there were well-defined rules of how we should live in order to be happy—do what the authorities say, and everyone will be content. 

But we now live in a postmodern society where people generally do not trust organizations to define what is right anymore. According to Edelman, a communications marketing firm, less than 30% of Americans trust the government compared to 75% in 1964. The Barna Group in 2018 did research on Americans’ perspectives on police brutality, and 53% agreed with the idea that “the police unfairly target people of color and other minority groups.” 

Then there is the loss of credibility in religious institutions with the sexual abuse of children by Catholic priests and accusations of sexual misconduct by mega church pastors. John Fea, a professor of American history at Messiah College, summed it up perfectly when he said, “I think we are living in an era when expertise and authority are under attack in a variety of areas, whether it be religion, politics, or academic life.”

The Fallout of Diminishing Trust

So now there is no overarching idea of “right” to follow—a supposedly easy path to happiness. 

After the betrayal of trust by institutions and authorities, many people tried to define happiness for themselves. Happiness became the purpose for life. The only problem with that model was that happiness is an emotional state, which means it changes.

One moment you are happy, and then the next moment you feel disappointed. Imagine trying to play a game where the rules of how to win change every few minutes. Would you still play? Probably not, because it would be impossible to succeed. It would be senseless and frustrating. 

That is how people often play the game of life. People pursue goals they think will bring them happiness, only to find themselves unfulfilled. Perhaps happiness as an end goal is aiming too low. If happiness is not the goal, then what is the aim for life? 

Will a Wrong Choice Mean Permanent Failure?

Back to Dave’s dilemma of making the right career choice. What makes his situation so daunting is his belief that making the wrong choice will be a permanent mark of failure on his life. There is so much pressure to be “perfect,” because mistakes are perceived as a waste of time. Time does not stop for anybody. Everyone is allotted 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. That is a fact. When someone spends several years trying something that fails, those years of time, resources, and energy are gone with little to show for it.

Then the failure gets internalized as being a failure as a person. That prospect freaks people out, which prevents them from making a decision unless they have a fail-proof strategy. 

The truth is, there is rarely a fail-proof strategy. If you are looking for an answer that is “right,” that has a 100% guarantee for success, stop. You are looking for a unicorn, a beautiful idea that is unobtainable. It does not exist.

The only constant in life is change. There will always be risks to every decision you make. Looking for a perfect solution is a sure way to live a life filled with anxiety and stress. 

How NOT too Deal with Our Indecision

Dave is paralyzed by his fear of making the “wrong” career choice, so he does not choose at all. Instead, this unspoken pressure to be perfect leads him toward creative ways to “deal” with the problem. The common strategies? Do not deal with it now. Procrastinate. Do not speak up. Pretend it is not a problem. The most famous one? 

Distractions. 

In our modern 21st century world, there are enough distractions to fill decades of time. Ever heard of Netflix? The Netflix CEO, Reed Hastings, admitted that the purpose of Netflix was to fight for your attention. Netflix’s competitor? Sleep. They do not want you to sleep! 

Then there are other, covert distractions that disguise themselves as “good” things. (As Jim Collins would say, “Good is the enemy of great.”). This may entail family obligations, career, exercise, charity, selfless giving, and self-care. These are even more insidious simply because very few people can call you out on it. Although these activities are not inherently evil, they can be used to shrink away from addressing important issues and needs. They can keep you from living your best life.

Dave’s problem is a fear of failure (notice it is the fear rather than the failure itself!). But there are other fears and barriers that can keep us from living our authentic lives. Fear of rejection is a big factor, especially social rejection. We know that humans are psychologically wired to be in relationships and belong to communities. Kross, Berman, Mischel, Smith, and Wager found that the brain interprets and experiences social rejection as pain similar to physical harm. 

The saying, “It breaks my heart” may be more than just a metaphor. So we go out of our way to avoid that feeling to keep ourselves safe from disapproval and exclusion. This leads to a lack of transparency and vulnerability.

Break the Cycle of Indecision

Indecision is just a decision being made for you. You are opting to be voiceless and powerless, hoping the outcome will miraculously turn in your favor. It is allowing confusion or discomfort to take over your thinking. It is giving your power away. 

Sometimes, indecision is disguised as “open mindedness” or “being nice” when the reality is more about shrinking away from responsibility and dishonoring yourself. Other times, we truly believe the decision is of our own making when unconscious or societal factors are actually misleading us to choose inauthentically. It is time to wake up and see what is really informing our decisions! 

It’s important for us to be really honest with ourselves about what we want in life. We need to own our decisions, one at a time. 

How you do anything is how you do everything. The small decisions in your life reflect how you will make bigger decisions. There may be a tendency to downplay the seriousness of indecision. Indecision is not a victimless crime. 

What if indecision can actually kill off everything important to you? Indecision is not an innocent little problem. It has the potential to suck the soul out of your existence. 

Don’t let this happen to you. The next time you’re tempted to avoid making a decision, think about why you don’t want to decide. Be honest with yourself. It’s the first step in breaking the indecision cycle that’s holding you back from an authentic life.