Why is the intimacy gone in our relationship?

The struggle is very real but there is hope!

This is a struggle I see many couples coming into my practice have questions around. I know of a friend who struggled with this quite extensively. He was married to someone that was not from his culture or background. They spoke different languages as their mother tongue, and had many different cultural viewpoints around family and the role a man and woman play in such marriages. In these kinds of difficult relationships, it’s important to acknowledge that being a couple isn’t easy, especially if you’re from two different worlds. But there are principles or guidelines that we can follow that will help. In this blog and for the rest of the month, we’ll cover these points and guide you along your journey. 

The first step is to understand that intimacy is something that is developed through open and vulnerable communication. Maybe when you first started dating, there was a clear purpose. It was to get to know each other so that it would solidify whether or not you wanted to have this relationship be a permanent part of your life. In this stage, things are new and feeling fresh. There is a sense of discovery and wonder. There is also a huge need for feeling loved and accepted as giving love to another person comes with a level of personal risk. When we’re healthy and self aware, we open ourselves up to the other person and become vulnerable. We share with them our hopes, dreams, wants, desires, fears, and concerns. This vulnerability  is what creates intimacy. Your partner then will listen intently because they feel they need to win you over. There is no judgement but more acceptance and understanding. Yet, if you’ve been in a relationship long enough and familiarity begins to settle in, we unconsciously create a story of who the other person is. We do this because as human beings, we have a need to protect ourselves by anticipating the future and people’s behavior. This is a natural defense mechanism psychologically for all of us. This tends to work against building intimacy, and the very instinct within us to protect ourselves ultimately backfires and kills any chance for intimacy to grow. Especially for young couples who settle down and get into the routine of things like work, new born babies, paying the bills,  etc. all this “life stuff” gets in the way of our relationship progress. Here are some practical steps you can take today to begin to experiencing a deeper level of intimacy with your partner. 

Step 1: Acknowledge that there’s a problem

I can get frustrating but keep working on yourself!

Acknowledge that you’ve been growing apart for some time now and it was never the intention. Only when both parties acknowledge that there’s a problem, will both individuals choose to work on it together. The most important thing is that each individual take personal responsibility over this problem rather than blame the other person for not pulling their own weight in the relationship. 

Step 2: Take personal responsibility  

The level of happiness you experience in your relationship is no other persons responsibility other than your own. No matter how much you want that other person to complete you, there’s no one who can fill that void in your heart to be loved and unconditionally accepted 100% of the time. This is why a wise man once said, “love others as you love yourself.” Loving yourself means getting to know yourself through self awareness, understanding your own needs and desires and meet them in healthy ways, and accepting the good, bad, and ugly. When you can unconditionally accept yourself and have non-judgement, then you can begin to truly accept others and love them as they are. 

Step 3: Be patient 

The reward of vulnerability is intimacy

You’ve all heard the saying it takes two to tango. Not everyone will get this right immediately and when they do, it’ll take time for your partner to make progress as well. One of the most helpful things you can do as a couple is to go see a trusted friend, counselor, or therapist. Sometimes, it takes that “third” person to help create an environment of non-judgement and acceptance for one to begin to open up again. You have to trust that the work and time you put into the relationship will eventually bare fruit. Once you can “practice’ this kind of communication and openness with each other while there’s a coach/referee around, then in your home and other contexts, you’ll be able to navigate your relationship challenges together rather than apart. 

We hope this has helped you this week and next week we’ll continue on diving deeper into other relationship tips and tricks so that you can experience deeper and satisfying relationships.